Most people think that because I discuss sex most of the time, it might make me a sexy person.
This is not true. The following things make me not sexy: I am lactose intolerant and have a bleeding ulcer. And irritable bowel syndrome. And I talk about shit all the time. When I am not talking about sex. And farting makes me happy...I'm not lying...happy...like opiate high happy...I am an amateur plumber. It gives me joy to unstop a toilet. And I won't even mention the stretch marks. Or the saggy tits. There. Still hard? If you are, let's get married.
I have been babysitting an old man this weekend. For a lot of money and just because his family needs someone to keep him company. I am now spending 12 hours a day with the man who made millions off the Rent-a-John. How ecstatic do you think this makes me? Instead of Tuesdays with Morrie, I am going to call my time with Bill, "Too Much Time with the Shit Captain."
Today, Bill shared many things with me. Let me make you a list.
1. About his Sicilian friend who really was a nice guy, although he beat his wife, and eventually killed his son, and then himself, but he had the shiniest shoes.
2. About the prostitutes in India.
3. About which women in which cultures shave their pubic hair.
4. What happens when someone drops something down the rent-a john
5. How the shit gets sucked out
6. Why the mirrors look so "shitty" in the rent-a-john, because at least if I am humiliating myself in public, I should be able to adequately do my thirteen tons of makeup.
7. And why Canadians are weird but great to do business with. Also, he said I should marry a Canadian. I said I would but Canadians think all we do is eat at the buffet, and my recent ten pound weight gain would be evidence. I have low self esteem.
Today was a successful day. My excitement over those topics is further proof of my lack of sex appeal. Thank you.
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Yes but good writing is sexy...And this is the kind of rawness that oozes honesty. You can't teach that in writing school, grad school or wherever the scribes of the latest 'Tuesdays with Morries'learn their trade.
ReplyDeleteAh, so glad you asked him the shitty mirror question and also about how the poo gets sucked out and what happens if you drop stuff in there that is not poo.
ReplyDeleteI would be curious to find out which cultured women roll sans pubs and if that is something sterotypical or if he learned by experience?
I come from a long line of Canadians. Most of them are/were alcoholics or drug addicts, but weird and hard workers. I can't say I would do a ring swapping dance with one though.
Old people are fun.